i’m in a rut. i’m in a rut that should not have happened considering everything that is going for me in my life right now, but one that has happened and has decided to stay with me for more then several months now-maybe even two years.

i’m in a senior studio class, yes i’m still a junior but this class was the only one that fit into my schedule this semester. it meets for three hours, once a week and i meet with my professor for an hour beforehand to discuss projects i have been working on. so far i’ve had nothing to present to him but anxiety and a loss for words.

the fact is, i’ve been running from photography, probably since i started college. many reasons. i hated the box people put me in because i feel i am talented in other forms of art. i hated the pressure my online “followers” put on me to create create create impress impress impress. i want to sculpt, i want to be like richard serra and robert smithson. i want to design, i want to create rooms, arrange rooms. i want to make things with my hands that look store bought to give to my boyfriend. i want to be rothko without the paint. etc. etc. 

i hated that i was labeled a “photographer” instead of an artist.

my camera shutter broke last year, i won’t have money to afford a new one for who knows how long. i watched these people i’ve known through flickr/tumblr/etc get new equipment, get new cameras, get commissions and i watched them do it when they are younger than me. i began to feel old, i still do feel old. and i ran away, still am running in many ways.

but tonight i saw several photos that inspired me and showed me that all of this evolved into something that was once shame and fear to simply laziness. i’ve been lazy. 

i get inspired a lot, it’s unavoidable and i’m sure it happens to everyone daily, hourly, and always. or at least i hope so. but for me there has always been an inspiration that feels good and sort of washes over me in a lazy lull and then there’s the inspiration that’s tangible because it’s something that seems within my reach i relate to it on a personal level. when i watch artists that i have followed, talked to, admired, and “grown up with” work hard and produce new works that are truly out of the box i get smacked on the head and wake up from my slumber for a second.

lexi mire and mike bailey-gates are two artists that i’ve always felt a connection to simply because we all started doing that flickr thing around the same time (there are several other artists who fall into the same category). and they’re mentioned specifically because i ran into their new photos tonight and was inspired for the first time in a long time. 

if they’re experimenting and trying to further their work i can do the same thing, regardless of a busted camera and a couple years on them. maybe i even do it just to run this photography thing into the ground and be able to call it dead because at least then i can say i did something to the end and walked away with a direction. i can’t run away from photography, it’s unavoidable, and it’s about time i get off my ass anyway. 

happy fat tuesday.

p.s. this is an optimistic post